2019 Decision

If I were to pinpoint the thing I yearn to change in myself,  
it would be this insatiable need to have something when I want it.  
And no, I’m not talking about something as simple as a candy bar,  
but experiences—those moments that slip through your fingers if you’re not careful.  
I fight with myself constantly,  
struggling not to claim every experience I desire,  
to not take them all, as if they are mine by right.

We live in a time where everything is meant to be our birthright,  
yet the most sacred of all birthrights is free will.  
I’ve been blessed to choose discipline in my life,  
something I didn’t always have.  
Choosing discipline began for me in 2019,  
a decision that still echoes in my choices.  

Because I know someone like me needs it,  
I try, every day, not to take everything I want.  
I leave some experiences as “what ifs,”  
allowing them to linger in the unknown.  
And right now, I’m not getting to live an experience  
that I ache for—  
and it gnaws at me daily.  

There have been a few good days,  
where I don’t crave it so desperately,  
but when the longing hits, it hits hard.  
Yet, life goes on.  
And Alhamdullilah, I remain thankful,  
for the discipline I’ve chosen,  
for the moments I’ve allowed myself to wait for,  
and for the strength to let some things be.